Collection of Jokes

BigFaker
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The Real BigFaker

Posts: 2,029

Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 15:56:14 GMT -5

Quote

Post by BigFaker on Apr 10, 2009 15:56:14 GMT -5

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop w-anking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."

To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.
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When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.

Took her out with one punch.
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My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
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What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs

A clit around the ear and a flap across the face !
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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but a jamjar on his cock.
A lady asks "What are you dressed as?"
He says a fireman!
You break the glass, pull the knob and I'll cum as fast as I can.
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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

DRAVEN The Elite Walter Bishop FTW! Posts: 2,201	Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 16:06:05 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by DRAVEN on Apr 10, 2009 16:06:05 GMT -5 lulz
	Everybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

b_Pooly
Administration

The Devil's favorite son

The existence of a majority logically implies a corresponding minority

Posts: 14,954

Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 16:10:51 GMT -5

Quote

Post by b_Pooly on Apr 10, 2009 16:10:51 GMT -5

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

LMAO

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

rofl

edit: don't steal jokes from Hugh Laurie! you mother fucker!

lol

Last Edit: Apr 10, 2009 16:11:54 GMT -5 by b_Pooly

kaasa Guest	Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 16:14:11 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by kaasa on Apr 10, 2009 16:14:11 GMT -5 LOL - The last one was the best.

BigFaker
The Elite

The Real BigFaker

Posts: 2,029

Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 16:18:42 GMT -5

Quote

Post by BigFaker on Apr 10, 2009 16:18:42 GMT -5

What does a ginger miss most about parties?

The invitation.
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A ginger kid got knocked down by a lorry outside my house today. Just think - that could've been me.

But I can't drive a lorry.
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What's the difference between a Ginger and a Dog?

I stop when a dog runs onto the road.
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A Doctor goes into a hospital ward to see a pregnant lady, who has had terrible stomach cramps and fears for the unborn child...
"Well, my dear, there's good news and bad news. We've run some tests and the bad news is that your baby has ginger hair."
"Oh no!" she replies. "What's the good news?"
The Doctor replies, "It's dead."
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What do you call a ginger whose phone rings on a Saturday night?

Shocked.
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Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
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BigFaker The Elite The Real BigFaker The Real BigFaker Posts: 2,029	Collection of Jokes Apr 10, 2009 16:38:11 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by BigFaker on Apr 10, 2009 16:38:11 GMT -5 Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

DRAVEN
The Elite

Walter Bishop FTW!

Posts: 2,201

Collection of Jokes Apr 13, 2009 9:37:41 GMT -5

Quote

Post by DRAVEN on Apr 13, 2009 9:37:41 GMT -5

A piece of black tarmac and a piece of green tarmac are sat in the pub and they're both boasting about how hard they are. "I'm blatantly harder than you" says the green tarmac "I'm a bus lane!". "No way" says the black tarmac, "I've got TWO lanes, a central reservation AND a hard shoulder! I'm so much harder than you!!". The next thing, a piece of red tarmac walks in the pub and the black tarmac and the green tarmac hide under the table. The red tarmac walks over to the bar, orders himself a drink knocks it back and has a look around. Unimpressed, the red tarmac gets up and leaves. Sheepishly, the black tarmac and the green tarmac climb out from under the table. "What was that about?" asked the barman. " Ya don't wanna mess with him" said the black tarmac "He's a cyclepath!"

Everybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

DRAVEN The Elite Walter Bishop FTW! Posts: 2,201	Collection of Jokes Apr 13, 2009 9:46:20 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by DRAVEN on Apr 13, 2009 9:46:20 GMT -5 A fruit pastel is sitting on a stool in bar passing the time. A Halls Soother walks in and pushes the fruit pastell right off the stool. The fruit pastell looks up a bit dazed and yells, 'What the...? You're menthol you are!!'
	Everybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

DRAVEN The Elite Walter Bishop FTW! Posts: 2,201	Collection of Jokes Apr 13, 2009 9:55:53 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by DRAVEN on Apr 13, 2009 9:55:53 GMT -5 WHAT DO A WALRUS AND TUPPERWARE HAVE IN COMMON? ...THEY BOTH LIKE A TIGHT SEAL.
	Everybody who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

b_Pooly Administration The Devil's favorite son The existence of a majority logically implies a corresponding minority Posts: 14,954	Collection of Jokes Apr 13, 2009 10:22:39 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by b_Pooly on Apr 13, 2009 10:22:39 GMT -5 And Draven brings in the kindergarten jokes! ;D j/k... the cycle path one had me laughing my ass off.... in a library!

BigFaker
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The Real BigFaker

Posts: 2,029

Collection of Jokes May 7, 2009 13:12:23 GMT -5

Quote

Post by BigFaker on May 7, 2009 13:12:23 GMT -5

How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but it will take 20 episodes

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My girlfriend came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

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what part of a vegitable cant you eat?

?

the wheelchair.
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I w*nked over a blind girl yesterday.

She never saw me coming.
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Statistically, 10% of women will find this joke offensive.

The other 90% are in the kitchen, where they f*cking should be!
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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, both were very faithful and loving wives.

However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, So they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her knickers and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of knickers and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with it.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These damn girls' night outs have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no knickers on.' 'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her arse that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you. '
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Just installed a Diana screensaver, now my computer keeps crashing
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What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

b_Pooly Administration The Devil's favorite son The existence of a majority logically implies a corresponding minority Posts: 14,954	Collection of Jokes May 7, 2009 14:12:25 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by b_Pooly on May 7, 2009 14:12:25 GMT -5 lol

hypercringe Guest	Collection of Jokes May 7, 2009 19:55:07 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by hypercringe on May 7, 2009 19:55:07 GMT -5 Well if we are taking shots at Princess Di... What was on the radio when Princess Di's car crashed? Her spleen

Mutant Crouch The Elite bbsy's favorite poster Posts: 2,041	Collection of Jokes May 11, 2009 11:56:41 GMT -5 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Mutant Crouch on May 11, 2009 11:56:41 GMT -5 What does a ginger miss most about parties? The invitation. That's not true. We're frequently invited to parties. We just have to be careful not to drink the "kool-aid."